Com-Pen-Deum

I posted an update on Facebook this morning. It was a rant. I posted it from twitter, so I had to keep my rant concise and to the point--140 characters in length. Basically, I ranted because I was feeling defeated, depressed, and hurt--honestly, I was feeling BETRAYED by the national leadership of the church denomination in which I am a part. To get to the point, I thought we were working towards an honest example of Christ's people--one that opens its heart and door to all. Whosoever will. (spread the proclamation over vale and hill!) And I was hit in the face yesterday with a letter that had gone out to church leaders reminding them that "x" are not really welcome.

So I hurt. Why do we humans so cling to our concepts of "us" and "them?" Why can we not see that we are all interconnected? All made in God's image, and gifted with the nature of God?

This afternoon, I am remembering an old lecture I heard in the 1980's. It was a sermon/meditation/essay by Charles Swindoll, the popular evangelical preacher from Southern California. He talked about how the church was losing it's status as a place of refuge.

It's what I want the church to be--a place where anyone can walk through the door and find a place of safety in which to meet God and God's people, and perhaps start a bit of healing. Swindoll pointed out in the late 80's that the place that is doing this today is the corner bar. Anyone can go into the corner bar. They may not all know your name, but they'll let you come on in and sit with them. Sit a while. Shoot the breeze. Maybe even bare your heart with the bartender, who will lend a listening ear.

And when you leave, the bartender will probably not "pray you in the back" either.

But some of our churches (and I'm talking about others in the same national conference as our local church) would either not accept some people, or accept them only if they were silent about who they are. Pretend to be just like us, and you are welcome. Be a clone, be a clone....

I'm glad that God makes no similar requirements. I am welcome just as I am. I can bring all my baggage and set it by the door. God's arms will welcome me in.

Oh, and that tweet that I posted this morning? I received a number of responses. Most are along the line of "that's why I never go to church anymore." People have not given up on God. People have given up on God's people who hold tightly to what I was once told are the seven last words of the church: "we've never done it that way before."

God says it throughtout the Bible: "Behold. I do a new thing. Do you not see it?" God has made a new way. We need to let go of our old insular, ways and stop yelling, "NO." Try it with me. Say "yes." you can do it. Try, " Welcome. It's nice to have you join us."

Let's journey together. I don't care if our baggage doesn't match.

amen

The church denomination that I'm a part of tells all gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered Christians--that "we are sorry that as a Church we have hurt you," and "we want to continue to have a loving dialogue with you."  Then, at the same time--literally minutes later at the same meeting--they say that they still believe that those people are evil and what they want is evil.  Yeah.  That makes for a good loving dialogue.

I'm wondering at the soul behind the idea that you can reject who a person IS but still say that you love them and want to have a loving dialogue with them.  It's a strange thing to me: the old "love the sinner but hate the sin" belief.  And it sounds all nice a sweet until you realize that what's really being said is that who/what the person IS is sin.  Which is it?  Do you love me or do you hate me? 

I was very touched today when my supervisor at work turned to me and said to me, "the Buddah nature in me bows to the Buddah nature in you."   She did not say, I'm sorry that you are trash and unworthy of me, but I would like to be so benevolent as to deign talk to you.  She said that her nature bowed to my nature--recognizing me as a person of value.  And Christ says "no one condemns you, and neither do I." 

I find lately that I am learning more about love from people who do not consider themselves Christian.  My friends.  These things ought not to be.  The writer of the Book of James says, "with the same mouth you bless God and curse those made in God's image--THESE THINGS OUGHT NOT TO BE." 

The GLBT Christians in your church (and they ARE there--whether or not you recognize them) are created in God's image.  They are working out their salvation with fear and trembling.  Believe me about the fear and tremblng part.  If you are in a church that is not welcoming and affirming, then they are well aware that they must lie about who they truly are.  How ironic.  How tragic.  That to be in a place that claims to point the way to the feet of the One Who IS Truth, these dear ones are forced to live in untruth. 

But, then, you hide your true self too...don't you? 

We are told in that Bible you like to quote that love drives out fear.  Who's burden of fear have you driven out lately?  To whom have you said, "I love you unconditionally, and salute the piece of the image of God that I can only see through you?" 

Do the work. 

I am gay.  You say that to be gay is sin.  What I am by nature is sin.

You hate sin.  Therefore, you hate ME, because I am sin.

One more quote to consider:  Those who say "I love God," and hate their brothers or sisters are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen.  (I John 4:20) 

So I saw the Oprah show this week where she gave her audience a Kindle from Amazon.com.  Not up to speed?  A Kindle is an electronic book reader that allows you to download current books from the atmosphere in under a minute, and carry them around in a little package about the size of a paperback--it looks like paper pages, and has all sorts of bells and whistles. and I want one.

A totally non-related email list on which I participate has been discussing the little marvels ever since Tuesday.  There are those who ordered them right away to get the $50 discount (the little buggers are not cheap), and some, like me, who sit back and lust after the opportunity to carry a thousand books in hand.  Then there are those who seem to resent them.

And they don't only resent the electronics.  The obviously resent anyone who is considering buying one.  So now we have book snobs in an all new form. 

Of course book snobs have been around since the invention of movable type.  Usually it took the form of "I read only classics, I can't understand WHY you would bother reading that drivel."   In college I ran into the snobbery of hardbound vs. paperbound.  Of course hardbound books are the one true books, an all others are abominations.

Now, because someone loves the feel of paper and smell of a book (dare I point out that this might be the smell of mildew?), they are declaring that any other form of reading is substandard, and therefore sub-THEM.  "I am such a better person than you because I only read books printed on rainforest harvested trees...."

So why do we always get to this place where a person's worth is determined by how well they hang on to the old ways?  What makes the old way of doing something NECESSARILY better than new technologies?  (I know...some of you are still preaching about how much better your vinyl collection is than my CD's.  I don't hear it, unless you are praising the "warmth" of crackles, skips, and pops, or the sound of a needle scraping around a plastic groove superimposed on my Dvorak). 

There is plenty for everyone.  I celebrate the Kindle with all of its great gifts for people with disabilities who need to be able to resize fonts instantly--or for whom turning a page is impossible.  And I celebrate it as a great boon for those who do not live within three miles of five great bookstores and two libraries as I do.  I love my books--hell, I have almost 5000 of them taking up space in my home.  I would love to reclaim that space and be able to use it for something other than storage of printed paper. 

If the Kindle is not for you...fine.  Don't buy one.  But please do not feel you are superior to my friends who DO buy and use one  For, here's the bottom line--people are reading.  I don't care if they are reading hand-illuminated manuscripts on parchment, or Dean Koontz books on a PDA.  I want people to keep reading and developing their minds. 

Drop by sometime, and take home a box of books.  I'll sell them to you cheaply--I'm saving up for a Kindle.

I'm watching my Tivo from last night's "America's Got Morons....Talent" and once again, I see people with overwhelming joy drop to the floor and let out primal screams. It's like "Extrmeme Makeover Home Edition" all over again. When this happens I cringe, I turn away, and I hate them. At least I thought I did. It just dawned on me, while watching Queen Emily dissolve into tears and that long expelled scream, that I ACTUALLY love her at that moment. What is more, I envy her. I wish I could do that so naturally.

At a moment of great grief or outstanding joy, I have managed to learn to be stoic and "easy going." It would probably be better for me if I would have developed the art of feeling and expressing the feeling.

On the other hand, I bet my friends prefer me this way.

But INSIDE, I'm weeping, wailing, and dancing for all the audience of heaven.

Alright, I am clear on the concept of Pauline theology--he writes that God "must increase and I must decrease."  I get it.  In the preaching of the gospel, it is important that we get out of the way, and that Christ is pre-eminent.  And I understand the whole idea that in the living out of my life here in the world, I am to point to Christ and  be more than anything a mirror of The Christ.

It sort of hit me hard the other day when I was listening to my iPod at work, and on came a Contemporary Christian song by a group that I have always enjoyed.  Not a new song, in fact--it is a song that's probably a decade old.  The song in question is "Disappear" by Out of the Grey.  It's on their "See Inside" CD, and has a killer guitar chord change that hooked me the first time I heard the song years ago.

So it was shocking to me when I heard the lyrics.  Here's part of the chorus:

"Wish I could disappear inside you
Disappear
Hidden in the way I was intended to be
Closer to you and further from me
I would disappear, I would disappear
disappear"

What surprised me was my gut response--and it was an almost violent one.  NO, I screamed (followed by a expletive which I will delete here).  This is most certainly NOT what we were intended to do.  I do not believe for even a microsecond that God went to the effort of creating us as individual expressions of the Divine nature for us to hide our true selves away.  In fact, later in the New Testament we are instructed to live so visibly different that people ask us the reason for our hope and faith.  (Talk about the audacity of hope!). 

Yes, I totally understand the need to get out of God's way and let people see Christ, and maybe the Dente's are trying to allude to the need to not let our sinful natures detract from the Truth of Who Christ is, but I can't say it enough.  I do not believe that we are to disappear as the holy creations we are.

Paul again writes in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  And the Greek word for "workmanship" means "work of art" or "Masterpiece."  I'm an artist.  I understand what a masterpiece is...what a work of art is meant to be.  It is meant to express truth in a unique way.  My friend, we are all masterpieces, and God is so huge, that it takes the whole museum-full of us together to begin to express the many facets of Who God is!  Do not disappear. 
Climb up on that easel and make a spectacle of yourself.

You are a Divine Creation!

Alright, so Sunday morning, the Gospel passage at church was from John chapter 9.  The fascinating story about the man who was blind from birth, and was healed by Christ.  Then of course the resulting Pharasiac denouncement (we don't believe you were blind!  You disagree with us, so you are scum!). 

The final verse of the chapter brought the fine meditation to a interesting pause.  What did Christ mean when he said, "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains." 

Well, first I thought, "Chris is blind, and damn it!  He is certainly capable of sin!"  Then I laughed at myself, and realized that Christ was not talking about physical blindess.  This blind man was like a visual aid--a flannelgraph in 3-D--illustrating the concept of blindness.  But Christ was talking about spiritual blindness.  And he was talking to Pharisees who refuse to admit the truth of what is right in front of them.

this is seen elsewhere in the gospels as well.  I remember at one point (don't ask me for the reference here), Christ says to his disciples "you believe because you have seen.  Blessed are those who have not seen, and yet believe." 

Christ talks about the soul's vision more than once. 

We all know people who refuse to see what is right in front of their faces.  We call it denial.  We know someone, or have known someone, who refused to see that their lover was abusing or misusing them.  It was obvious to us.  They were blind to the truth.  We cut them some slack while their love still blinds them.  But once they understand the damage being done to their soul by this dysfunctional relationship, we expect them to act on it. 

Christ requires the Pharisees to act on the truth too. He requires them to admit to themselves that he is who he says he is, and that their lives and actions should change on that basis.  He calls their unwillingness, "sin." 

The other reference that popped into my mind immediately when our pastor quoted John, was a passage I memorized in my youth (thanks to you, Dave Truitt, for encouraging our Bible memorization back there in the 70's before my brain started to age).  I immediately flew to the book of James.  Chapter 4, verse 17 says:

"Anyone who knows the good he ought to do, and doesn't do it, sins." 

Of course I memorized it in King James, which reads "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin." 

These Pharisees knew what was good.  Shoot, they knew THE Good.  They refused to act on what they knew was right.  This is sin.

Let's not do this.

It's very cold around Chicago today--at 10 in the morning, it's -3 outside....that's MINUS three degrees.  The wind chill makes it feel like 20 below.  Such is Chicago in winter.  I sit here covered with quilts, sipping on hot cocoa and staying inside.  At least one of my boys is planning to go play football later this afternoon...by then, it'll probably way up in the +20's.  He better wear his hat and gloves!

I'm enjoying a televised sermon by Rev T.D. Jakes this morning.  He knows how to get to the point.  His main thought today is to "keep the main thing, the main thing."  We lose sight of the most important thing, and allow ourselves to get all tied up and distracted by the incidental.  Put God first...seek God's face...get right with God.  "You talk about me, but you don't talk TO me." 

It's not about the cole slaw...it's not about the french fries...it's about the chicken, baby!  Keep the main thing the main thing."  The man just cracks me up, at the same time he's breaking into my heart. 

What is my main thing today?  Who am I?  Have I lost sight of the most important part? 

Now I understand that this is not a new thought.  But it is a theme I have struggled with my whole adult life...and been challenged by.  I remember....

Back in the ancient days of the early 1980's, there was a Christian singer/songwriter named Pam Mark Hall.  I first saw her perform live at the church I attended in Salem Oregon, in 1979, and realized immediately that this woman was blessed by God with a gift of songwriting.  What a way with words that drilled right into my soul and brought me to the feet of God.  Well, on her album (yes--it was an LP), "Never Fades Away" (one of the greatest recordings in Christian music...ever), she performed a song she had composed, called "If Ever."  I sat in shock listening to the words.

Now as someone who loves to sing, and who feels most right with creation when singing a well-crafted praise filled song, I understand that if the ability to make music was taken from my voice, a big part of me would die.  Don't even JOKE about me losing my voice...the idea makes me shudder.  Imagine if I also used my voice to pay the bills and perform my ministry?  But in "If Ever" Pam Mark Hall begins with the lyrics, "If ever I forget, and I refuse to love you, Lord, more than my highest joy, NEVER LET ME SING AGAIN." 

I feel nervous even writing those words, because I am easily distracted by shiny objects.  I am easily weighed down by the trauma of the moment.  I cannot imagine actually singing this song..a sort of vow..out loud in prayer to God.  If I can't put YOU as my main thing in Your rightful place, then take away my voice, so I cannot put attention on the wrong thing.  How can she sing that her voice be silenced? 

Debby Boone recorded the song on her terrific "With My Song" album a year later (yes, THAT Debby Boone.  Dont' laugh the album is in my top 20 of all time best recorded worship experiences).  It was significant to me that she changed the lyrics to that first verse.  She got it.  She knew what she was singing, and realized that we humans are prone to wander (Lord, I feel it!), Ms Boone changed the lyric to "....refuse to love you, Lord, more than my highest joy, I don't want to sing, again."   I can live with that...because it acknowledges what I know about my own weakness.

Today, I do not want to hedge my bets.  But I want to testify that I am weak, and I sometimes have my priorities all screwed up. This morning, for instance, sitting covered up on the couch reading a book and playing on my laptop became a priority over getting my boys out of their beds and to church.  I have watched Christian T.V., and I even read some Jan Richardson, but I have forsaken the gathering together of the saints.  If I connect with others on Facebook later will that make up for it?  It'll have to...

Put the main thing as the main thing.  Today, I am going to try to put God first....absolutely. 

Now  need to get my iPod, and start listening to my Pam Mark Hall songs.

Pax   

Baaaah.  Like the mindless sheep, I am reading Oprah's latest selection--The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett.  Here's what happened.  First, I was intrigued when Oprah introduced it on her show because she said it was not a book she would regularly read.  That was a plus in my thinking.  Then, I got a Borders gift card for Christmas, and went to the store--there it was looking all big and shiny, and LONG.  So I bought the book.  It' 970 pages long.  Stinkin' long! 

But I find it to be just as Oprah said--it's a page turner.  I read 400 pages yesterday, and I have less than a hundred left to go.  The book is about the building of cathedrals in the early 12 century.  Sounds fascinating doesn't it?  Well I defy you to go to a store and read the first few pages of the story and NOT want to know how it works out.  Actually, I was hooked by the author's introduction alone.  The book is about so much more.  There are amazing love stories in it, as well as drama, tragedy, and good history in a very readable format.  Sometimes it reads like a soap opera (think Dallas, with William Hamleigh playing the roll of J.R.--only stupid).

I'm fascinated by the ongoing story of the political stuff that went on in the 12th century Church.  There is also this interesting flow of church polity/theology in its infancy, and I find it addicting.  Today, I sat in church, thoroughly enjoying our church's service, and realizing that all the frustrating bureaucratic bull that was going on then is still alive and well in today's Church.  Sad to say.  And perhaps some of the superstitious stuff that grew into routine, and ultimately traditions that we argue, fight, and separate over. 

Maybe it's never going to be perfect. How could it be?  We are humans trying to make our way to a Christ-like way of communion.  But I love making the journey together, and figuring out the way step by step.  I am thankful to be part of a local community that doesn't force conformity, and will consider and reconsider. 

A great quote from our pastor's meditation this morning:  "Wondering will always hold greater power than explaining."--Megan Ramer 

So for 2008, I am hoping to wonder...together.  Care to wonder about it all with me?

O.K., so I kind of wimped out on that last entry.  My head and heart are just bursting and I kept thinking if I gave it time, everything would sort of process itself and settle down into a sensible short story, but that does not seem to be the case.  God never promised me a life of soundbites. 

So I've recently finished reading Shane Claiborne's book "The Irresistable Revolution."  The ideas he writes about are not earthshatteringly new to me--I read similar ideas three decades ago, and was moved deeply to think and plan about how one day I would live in community and be "in life" with the poor, homeless and oppressed.  My college advisor told me that I should get over myself, and "let the world take care of itself--that's not your job.  Your job is to take care of the Church."  I was appalled, but that was the spirit in the church at the time.

Claiborne, Bono, Brennan Manning--they all give me hope that things are changing in the Church, and people are starting to listen to Christ when He told us to love the orphan, care for the widows, and share with the poor. I am particularly encouraged that these fine folks are talking about accepting others as persons made in the image of God, and not get hung up on our differences.  I don't know how to get there now...my life has moved to another place, and is filled with responsibilities and missions that I can't walk away from (two of which are my adopted sons).

Perhaps that is why the link to the broken heart manifesto was so important to me.  It gives me a glimmer of ideas of places I can start on a day to day basis.  Maybe one day, I WILL be able to live in an intentional community that cares for people who need us.  Today, I can "bring healing to their pain" with "whatever I have been given." 

So I am doing inner work right now.  I hope I never stop it.  The work consists mostly of learning how to love others better--to do what Benedict (the founder of the Benedictine order--not the current pope) instructed, when he said "Let all who come be received as Christ."  I want to see everyone else as Christ, and love them.  And I want to find a way to be less about the "stuff" that accumulates in this house, and more about people.  End wars of all kinds, and make peace.  Be a clown for God. 

hey....it's a process.  One step in front of the other.  Rich Mullins sang "There's a wideness in God's mercy I cannot find in my own."  I want to find it in my own.  I could do much worse than devoting the rest of my life to wideness of mercy.  

Peace.  Be still.